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I had to run an errand at Walmart last night on my way home from a church business meeting, and the parking lot was almost completely empty, which I have never seen at this Walmart. I'd been watching the results on my iThing during the meeting, and it was not yet a lost cause for Hillary, but things were not looking promising.

I was wearing the blazer I bought specifically for the day, with my Stuart pin on my lapel, and rocking a pair of heels that I love. I decided that no matter what happened, I could still hold my head up, and I went in and did my things and thought of Dirge Without Music:

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

I went back to the car, with my usual woman-alone-in-dim-parking-lot Awareness, and it occurred to me that men like Trump are the reason we HAVE to be so careful. Alone, in daylight or darkness, drunk or sober, just the fact that we are women seems to put us at automatic risk.

I cried most of the way home, and then I stayed up until the results were final and sat there numbly unable to comprehend that this was actually happening.

I went to sleep after more tears. I woke up with more tears. I can't eat breakfast because I'm too upset.

I did not vote for Hillary because she embodies all my personal values, because she really does not. I voted for Hillary because she was, in my carefully considered opinion, our best shot at preserving an America we could all be safe, with mutual respect for all faiths, convictions, and values. Not just MY faith and values. Imposing those on others is unAmerican.

I focused on liberty of conscience and freedom of religion in choosing my candidate because in my Seventh-day Adventist faith, those are the specific things we believe will be targeted and threatened in America as time draws to a close and the final crisis hits. We are encouraged to vote for the person who will best protect those rights of conscience, not for our faith only, but in general.

I believe God knows what just happened, and I will rally. But for now, I am just numb.

On one hand it seems confirmation of my prophetic beliefs that something this unbelievable could actually happen (most people scoff at our belief that a strict Sunday law will be enacted in this country), but that does not mean I am going yippie because a completely unworthy person is going to be our new president. It is very sobering. I don't know how things will play out. I am too numb right now to even speculate.

But here is a verse from Isaiah that I read last week that has been kind of rattling about in my brain ever since:

I, even I, am he that comforteth you:
who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of a man that shall die,
and of the son of man which shall be made as grass;
And forgettest the Lord thy maker,
that hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth?

I know how the story ends. Jesus is going to win. But in the meantime, He is going to have to help me navigate through this, because the near future looks like a pretty dark and threatening place.

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<3 <3 <3

I keep thinking of "Dirge Without Music" too & crying some more.

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